Tales of Stupidity
by PearADime
Summary: Well there is a wedding now after Christmas and Easter, and now Axel is having the best time ever...But why isnt xemnas? Pure OC, OOC, and humor, no flames, you were warned!
1. Santa

Purple: Okay, extreme silliness will ensue here, it involves organization 13, Santa Claus, crude language and humor!

Xemnas: What are you doing nowww!

Purple: a silly fic, and some of the characters, pretty much Xemnas, and all the crazy ass guys are OC, especially Zexion...

Xemnas: So now, instead of me being gay, I'm a wimp!

Purple: No, you and Xigbar are still gay in this one, actually, I think everyone is gay, except Santa, because that would be just wrong!throws up

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom hearts, the cover would be Sora and Riku making out, and on the back they would be holding hands and snuggling, and the WHOLE game would be about slash, and all you'd do was watch Sora and Riku together FOREVER. But this isn't true, soooo I don't own it...crap

Ohh yeah: Implied Xigbar/Xemnas, suggested Sora/Riku, Leon/Cloud, and assumed Roxas/Axel, Demyx/Zexion

- - - - - - - - - -

"HOLY CRAP GET UPPPPP!" Zexion screamed like as little girl as he jumped in Xemnas and Xigbar's bed (yes, all my fics will have it, lots ,awesome!), jumping, actually, right on them causing much pain, yelling and cursing from the two.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Xigbar yelled as he got up and grabbed Zexion by the neck, but he still kept screaming and yelling much to there annoyance...

" AND YOU GUYS SAID HE WASN'T REAL, LI- OOOOOWWWWWWW!-sniff- why'd you do that?"

For you see, in his ranting Xemnas had slapped Zexion so hard across his face that it woke Demyx up.

-Demyx's room-

"OOOWWWWowwwww!"

"DAMN YOU ZEXION!"

-Master Bedroom-

"Who the hell do you think you are", then he shoved Zexion out of bed, causing more pain to poor Demyx.

"God damnitt Zexion, were sleeping, what DO you want!" asked Xigbar as he laid back in bed.

"HOLY CRAP ZEXION DID YOU SEE WHOS HERE!" Roxas had run in to the room with his pajamas with Axel behind him, and Demyx, with an ice pack on his jaw and head. Then they jumped onto Xemnas and Xigbar's bed and started jumping.

"YEEESSS! I DID! I JUST CAME TO TELL THEM!"he said pointing at Xemnas and Xigbar, with the MOST PISSED FACES EVER!

"ISNT IT AWSOME! I WOKE UP AXEL TO SHOW HIM, THEN I HEARD DEMYX SCREAMING AND WENT AND GOT HIM, AND HE SAID XEMNAS WAS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF YOU AND I CAME UP HERE!"

"DID YOU HAVE 15 PIXIE STICKS THIS MORNING TOOOOO!"

"YEAH, I DID, SO DID AXEL, RIGHT AXEL!"

"ZEXY!" and then Axel jumped on Zexion.

"HELLOOOO AXEL, DID YOU SEEEE HIM," yes, the were still jumping, on the be-

"MY NAMES ROXAS I LIKE PEANUT BUTTER!

Umm, okay...

...still jumping on the bed, although Xemnas and Xigbar were no longer there, they were on the floor, making out like crazy, why, I don't know, there both like, 20 something, there horny!

"EWWWWW! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING! YOU CANT DO THAT WHILE SANTAS HERE!" Zexion screamed as he ran down the halls yelling and jumping up and down, the rest of them followed. Then they had lots more sugar.

"...Santa?" Xigbar finally said after there crazy make out session, on the floor. They got dressed, in like three seconds, thanks to Square Enix, and were in the hall in like, 4 seconds.

"What do you mean Santa's...Here?" Xemnas said.

But, there was Zexion, Roxas, Axel, and Demyx dog piled on some fat guy in a red suit.

"Guys, who is that?" asked Xemnas.

"IT IS SANTA!" yelled Zexion, as he would not let Santa go, who started turning blue.

"YES, IT IS, REALLY, I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS! WOW, YOURE SANTA!"

"XIGBAR, GET OFF HIM!" Xigbar had also jumped on Santa when he realized it was Santa. Xemnas was not happy.

"NOOOO! ITS SANTA!" he wouldn't let go, no matter what.

"I will never have sex with you again if you don't get off him."

"Screw Santa!" and then, another floor make out session ensued.

"OMG! ROXAS I HEARD SANTA WAS HERE! I BROUGHT RIKU CAUSE HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM! EWWWW! WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN FRONT OF SANTA!"

"HEY! IVE GOT PEANUT BUTTER ROXAS!LEON SAID SANTA WASNT REAL! EWWWWW WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN FRONT OF SANTA!" Riku and Sora, Leon and Cloud had arrived upon hearing of Santa, because Leon and Riku did not believe in Santa, so Sora and Cloud came to prove them wrong.

"HEY YOU GUYS CAME, HAVE YOU HAD SUGAR TOO?" and the answer was yes, but Sora and Cloud were on Santa to, and Riku and Leon were considering the sight in front of them...

"WOW YOUR SANTA! EWWWW, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING, SANTA'S HERE!" Cloud and Leon believed, and were on Santa with the peanut butter, and sugar, while Xemnas and Xigbar made out...

And then Saix walked in, and turned around and ran for his life screaming, you see,Saix had a bad experience with Santa..

-Flashback-

"_Santa will be here soon Fred _(yes, his name is Fred, like Fred the alien, my favorite alien!) _Okay, so go to sleep." His mom left, then Santa killed his mom, why, I think she was the devil...that's why._

-Flashback-

"Get off him."

Xemnas and Xigbar pulled everyone off Santa as they cried to themselves about being pulled off Santa. Yes they finished making out.

" Sorry about that dude, I'm gonna have to pick the sex!" Xigbar said in Xemnas's hold.

"No, problem, but maybe you should hide the sugar..." he said looking down at the crying men.

"Well, here, I have all your presents, I really must be going now.."

"SANTA, NOOO, PLEASE, STAY!I WANT TO OPEN MY PRESENT INFRONT OFF YOU!", yes ,uhh, Zexion was still screaming, I seriously don't know why.

"I will son if you STOP SCREAMING!" and everybody shut up cause Santa yelled And that doesn't happen often.

"Okay, lets see.." and he ripped opn the box with his teeth, and found..

"OMG IT'S A KITTEN!" and he held it up to Xemnas who is...

"GOD DAMNITT YOU NOW IM TERRIFIED OF KITTENS!"

And the fire people had to come and get Xemnas out of the tree because Santa was to lazy to use his reindeer.

"Wait, ITS NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS ZEXION!"

"Ohh, yeah, Im going back to being emo."

- - - - - - - - - -

Hehe, I'm going to make a bunch of one shots and stick them here, my summaries will be updated to it, so if you like this, give me another goofy idea, when you review, tell me something you'd like to see, but keep it within these pairings

Xemnas/Xigbar, Axel/Roxas, Sora/Riku, Leon/Cloud, not crossovers1! However, any other characters can be included, and, I am partially familiar with final fantasy, but, in any fics using FF characters, they will be rid of FF, or they were NEVER part of it, always at Hollow Bastion. So yes, characters like Zak does not exist in my fics, nor does Sephiroth

Sephiroth and Zak: HEY! YOU DIEE!

Purple: Huh?

Sephiroth: I WILL KILL YOU!

Purple: Are you David Lee Roth?

Sephiroth: Umm, noo?

Purple: Then Ill kick your ass.

poofs away

SEE!

ILL give you COOKIES for commenting!


	2. Mansex

Xemnas: What now...

Purple: Well...One person has reviewed...AND THEY WON A MILLION DOLLARS!

Not really...

But these will be funny, this involves bunnies, cute, furry...

Zexion: BUNNIES! I WAAAANNNTTT ONE!

Purple: OKAY YOULL GET ONE JUST SHUT UP!

Zexion: okay

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.Actually, Im rich soooo I could buy everything! WATCH OUT SQUARE ENIX!

- - - - - - - - - -

Well, the reason Axel had a smirk on today when he walked into his kitchen was because he knew something the others did not. He knew the thing that would make him a legend as long as everything worked to his advantage.

"Hey Roxas?" Roxas was looking for sugar.

"WHAT!"

He had not found any.

"Do you want to destroy Xemnas life?"

"..."

He found the sugar.

'YEEEAAZZZZ!LEETTTSSSS DDDOOOOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

He spit a lot during this, Axel thought it was gross, and Marluxia was singing "its raining men" while he danced around the kitchen.

In a shower cap.

It was pink.

Therefore, Axel set him on fire.

By now though, Marluxia was on fire and Roxas was screaming and running around yelling " IM A PRETTY PRINCESS!" while he was in a pink dress that had MANSEX written on it with lipstick.

It was perfect.

Down stairs came Mansex, who did like back flips and Matrix turns in the air to get down there, and like he had light sabers, and he was like "ARGGHHH"and he started chasing Roxas around. He finally got him, he had to jump on him though, so Roxas started crying, and was like, "Why did you jump on me?" and Mansex gave him a lollipop,and was like "Im sorry, here is a lollipop" then Roxas was like "THANK YOU", and grabbed onto Mansex leg, and wouldn't let go, for like seven days.

Then Mansex saw Marluxia was on fire, and did not care and went to get a crowbar so he could get Roxas off him.

"AXEL IM HERE, WHERS MY PRESENT!"

It was Zexion. Axel had given him sugar.

Lots of sugar.

"Here is your present zexion!"

"WHAT IS IT HUH?"

"Youll see!"

And it was...

"OMG IT'S A BUNNY, XEMNAS LOOK, IT'S A BUNNY, AND ITS PINK! AHHH!"

But, as we know...

"HOLY CRAP IM TERRIFIED OF BUNNIES!"

And Mansex ran down the halls like a madman and hid under his desk, and I took Xigbar an hour and lots of bribery and lies to get him to come out, then Xigbar killed the bunny and Zexion cried and everything expsploded.

The End.

- - - - - - - - - -

Well, review and give me an idea or ill stop, because I do not have the time, Im writing two, yes, two chapters for promise this next week, BIG ones, and please, REVIEW AND INPUT!

Hehe..Mansex


	3. Easter

IceCrome

And

kingdomninja

WIN A MILLION IMAGINARY COOKIE DOLLARS!!!

WHHOOOOOO!!

Okay, were doing your guys story okay!!!

Xemnas: Crap, what is it this time...

Purple: You will see...

Disclaimer: im a fifteen-year-old child, I cannot own anything, so there!

- - - - - - - - - -

OMG ITS EASTER!!!

Yes, it was Easter at the Castle That Never Was, The worst holiday That Never Was was being celebrated in The World That Never Was, in The Creativeness of the Writers That Never Was.

And Axel was so excited, because today, he was going to prank the unprankable.

Roxas.

And coincidently thanks to Square Enix and all there coincidences he suddenly appeared.

"Hi Axel, man, im tired from holding onto Mansex's leg for seven Days, Xigbar got pretty mad. How's Zexion's therapy going??"

Zexion's Therapy –

"AND THEY JUST KILLED THE BUNNY, WITHOUT EVEN ASKING!!!"

Castle –

"Hell be fine, hey, Roxas I was wondering if you could do something for me..."

"Okay what?"

"Could you eat this WHOLE BAG OF SUGAR REALLY FAST!!!"

And before he could get an answer Roxas had eaten the sugar.

"OMG GOD WHAT IS IT!!!"

He was hanging off the ceiling like a monkey.

"Ya' know that dinner..."

- - - - - - - - - -

The dinner had started, and everything was ready to the key, well, except there was no key because Roxas was acting like a monkey, and he had jumped on Marluxia flowers; so Marluxia chased him around the Castle, and then Xigbar locked them in closet so they wouldn't stress out Xemnas; but then Axel let them out; so now they were under the table playing war with little plastic soldiers and the loser had to streak through Xemnas bedroom at night, preferably while he's awake.

Everyone was sitting down in there spot and the chef...wait, they had a chef? Why wasn't he told these things? They hate, me I knew it!

So Axel started crying, and Xemnas threw a marker at him and he shut up. Then Zexion came in and started twitching.

"Well, lets get this over with", Xemnas, said at the head of the table, Xigbar on the end. "Where is Ro- OWW!" he started hoping around holding his foot like moron while Xigbar laughed hilariously.

You see, during this time, Roxas had thrown a giant piece of bubble gum at Marluxia's pretty pink army and was like "MUAHAHA!!", and Marluxia flipped out, and was like "NOOOOO!" and then pulled out his scythe thing, and was like "Arghhh!!!" and hit Mansex's foot.

Then Mansex started cussing, while Marluxia ran around chasing Roxas who had no pants on. Then , this monkey came in, and was like "I WILL EAT ALL YOUR PEANUT BUTTER!" so then Roxas and Demyx beat the crap out of it while Mansex was sitting in Xigbar's lap with a lollipop.

Then everyone got at the table. It was quite complicated how they sat, so I will simplify it. (its here)

Yes, isn't that easy!!!

So everybody sat down as the dinner started and realized that while purple made her drawing, Demyx, Axel, and Roxas had gone off... and Im afraid that something bad was about to happen..

"SNAKES ON A PLANE!"

"SHUT UP!!"

Xemnas threw a marker at Zexion who cried and then Xigbar kicked Xemnas in the shin and then Xemnas cried and then Axel , Demyx ,and Roxas came in with pink dresses and make up on , and the dresses had THE PRINCESS MANSEX written all over it!!!

So then Mansex chased them around.

"COME BACK HERE!!!"

He finally caught them after running through doors to disco.

"YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO PAY FOR SCREWING EVERYTHING UP!!!"

And, aww, man it was AWSOME, Xemnas was soooo pissed his face was all red and was like heaving, and it looked like he was going to rip out there livers and eat them and they were soooo fricken scared, aww man, AXEL WET HIS PANTS!!!

Then, the evil plan went under way...

"TACKLE!!!"

And suddenly all of then were on Xemnas, and they tapped him to the floor, and this big box came in by the FedEx people, and Roxas freaked out because he didn't know where his volleyball was , and then, the guy left, so they started laughing really loud and evilly which made Xemnas start freakin out.

Then...Axel opened the crate, which was shaking, and this giant bloodsucking spider came out!!!and it was inching towards Xemnas...

Then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOYFREIND!!! Xigbar came in and totally blew up the spider and green gunk went EVERYWHERE!! Then he cut open the tape and comforted Xemnas.

"You guys get to your room before I cut your balls off!!!"

So then they ran to their rooms like maniacs. Then Xigbar and Xemnas were all alone...

"Are you okay?"

"Im fine, im going to kill them though." Xemnas was beating the crap out of the dead spider body that was left over from blowing up.

"Yeah , well I never got to give you-"

And, Xemnas was right there waiting for...

"-your present. Happy Easter honey." And Xigbar gave him a small package.

"Hmm, let's see what it is...It's a ...button??"

In Xemnas, hand was a black plastic object with a big Red button in the middle.

"Press it."

"Okay...what's that noise...AHHHHHHH!!!!"

AND XEMNAS WAS SURROUNDED BY EVIL BUNNIES AND GERBILS OF DOOM!!!!

"THAT'S FOR FORGETTING OUR ANNIVERSERY!!! AND NOT PROPOSING!!!"

Xemnas was slashing away at the bunnies.

"DIE! DIE! DIE! Die...huh?"

After all the craziness, he realized that Xigbar was down the hall crying.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Honey?"

"What Xemnas."

"..."

"Wha-"

And there was Xemnas on one knee with a ring.

"Will you...marry me?

"Yes!"

And something not so crazy actually happened.

But everything still exsploded.

- - - - - - - - - -

Well, I had to do something sweet, which can result in the CRAZIEST WEDDING EVER!!!

Well, unless someone gives me a nice solid idea, the wedding thing wont be as wacky, Im still working on the story promise, new chappies wont be up till Sunday, SORRY!!

Xemnas: Im engaged great, commitment...

Xigbar: XEMNAS!!!

Xemnas: Sorry dear...

In addition, Im sorry if some new jokes are being used, im sick actually, chemotherapy is not fun.


	4. Dresses are sexy, but Roxas is a whore

Hehe, here is a chappie for tales, hope you guys enjoy!

It's not much, but this is the planning for Xiggy and Mansex's wedding!

- - - - - - - - -

If you had told Xemnas a year ago, he would be in a dress, he would have cut your balls off and feed them to his dog, wait, he didn't have a dog, damn contradictions...

But that was exactly what he was doing right now, because some girl hadn't come, and he made a mental note to have Axel set her hair on fire during the wedding...

Speaking of Axel...

Well Axel was being innocent walking down the hall setting all the curtains on fire, and Marly's hair. Then he started to hear the girls and Xiggy say strange things...

"He really has no hips, Jessica's..."

"Hold still, it will only be a minute, really men..."

"Honey, calm down, no one is going to see, anyway you look..."

"Xigbar, please, I have a needle near his..."

"XIGBAR NOT NOW- really, I thought my arms looked big? Stop, don't..."

"Wow even your ass looks better in here than hers, good catch..."

"I know, Im attracted to-"

"Ow! Xigbar she pinned me in the..."

"K.C.! Geez, some wedding night they'll have..."

And,

he ran to get EVERYONE!

Seriously, he got his phone, and his network came, and they filled the entire castle, and he was like, "Roxas is coming hide!"

And they all disappear behind a tree, because Axel never returned his phone call,

And Roxas is like, "Why didn't you call me?"

And Axel is like "My network!"

And Roxas is like, "Oh, to bad sexy, we could have screwed like wild animals in the sex room", and slaps him on the ass and walks away like a whore.

And Axel is like, "I MISSED SEX WITH ROXAS?  & it's a kids game YOU!" And he set the phone on fire.

ANY WAY, Axel ran and got his camera, because he set his picture phone on fire, duh, and ran to the hallway. And he snuck up and saw Xemnas in THE DRESS! It was the pink dress of the ancient Mansex ritual performed by Roxas and Axel's ancestors for five millenniums.

So now he ran in and snapped shots, while screaming

"HAHA MANSEX, I GOT YOU! BUCKS FOR ME, MISTER FRILLY PAINTIES!"

How Axel new Xemnas had on frilly panties, I don't know...it's in,

THE TWIGHLIGHT ZONE!

Dan na na na,

Dan na na na,

Anyway, he took many pictures, but then, Xemnas got mad... AND HE TURNED INTO... PRINCE, because he is the man! So then he had this weird shaped guitar, and purple junk, so he tried to beat the crap out of Axel, but the fan girls attacked him, and Xiggy FREWAKED out, and he killed them all, and then he totally got all over Xemnas and it go WAY to gnarly to write, like leather, and, donkeys...

Then, OMG, Kairi came, and Roxas had sent her to find water, while he got skittles, and Demyx was supposed to go hunting for mashed potatoes, and all of this was for their picnic. But KAIRI boiled the carrots in raspberry water, so they looked like carrots, but they tasted like raspberries. And when Demyx found out, he was very upset and said he wouldn't go hunting for the potatoes, and then Roxas said, because she boiled the carrots in raspberry water, he and Demyx had already HAD the picnic and went on the skittles rainbow. And Kairi cried along time, and it all exsploded. (Kudos to Sarah, Zach, and K.C, bad Sarah!)

Anyway, after it was all over, Axel went on Ebay, made a QABILLION dollar, bought the whole game, made Roxas his whore, and got a solid gold pimp cane...

I know, he should have gotten platinum, DUH!

Then Zexion found a large amount of sugar, and he and the twins set the there house on fire! (Do not ask)

Anyway, to make a long story short, Xigbar learned to never trust that bitch Jessica again, and to tell everyone her boobs were fake and that she was a lezzie.

- - - - - - - - - -

There is nothing to write, people NEED to give suggestions, Im trying to write this stuff, and they'll have to get incredibly short! THANK YOU FOR READING!


End file.
